Just before you convene to elect a new pope, why not use this opportunity to make some unprecedented changes within the Church? We all know there are major problems with your institution and cleaning up your act is really only going to make you more likeable, so why not give it a shot? Here’s a single suggestion that is guaranteed to work wonders: cut the pelvic orthodoxy. Have you ever noticed that most of the Catholic Church’s major issues with the world in general are all related to the groin?
First of all, we’ve got the child sex abuse scandals, which have everything to do with old men’s penises being where they really shouldn’t be.
Second, celibacy clearly isn’t working (see first point). Why not scrap that, let the priests take some time off work to get married, get their rocks off, and return to church feeling wholly satisfied? If they were getting it at home, they might be less inclined to look for it elsewhere (see first point).
Third, start treating women equally, even if they don’t have penises. Seriously, why should that even matter? Toss in 50% female cardinals to make the vote on the next pope, start ordaining female priests, and … hey, why not just stick a female pope up there and see how things improve? Clearly, men have screwed up the job, so it won’t get any worse with a woman presiding.
Fourth, stop spending so much time and effort fretting over what men and women, men and men, women and women are doing in bed, privately. It’s none of your priestly business and, frankly, there are much more important pressing issues facing our world in 2013 than whether two men want to marry happily and stay together for the rest of their lives.
Fifth, leave women’s vaginas and uteruses alone. Please stop making calls on birth control and abortion, which are facts of life that you have absolutely nothing to do with. Aren’t starvation and genocide more crucial problems to address than the fact that I use an IUD so as not to be a total slave to motherhood for the next thirty years of my life?
Sixth, your version of sex education sucks, but perhaps that has to do with that fact that you’re not supposed to know anything about it. It’s only ever referred to in terms of procreation, which can really mess with kids who are burning up with emotions they can’t explain. You’re not making any fans by teaching kids that masturbation is wrong because, like it or not, they’re all doing it – boys and girls, too, imagine that! – while thinking they’re going to hell for daring to touch a forbidden part of their body. What kind of God makes part of one’s body forbidden, anyways? Absurd, but you know that already, because you clearly don’t adhere to it anyways (see first point).
Well, that’s all I’ve got to say for now. Hopefully Ratzinger is enjoying retirement, sleeping in till an ungodly hour, since he’s no longer god incarnate. What a relief, eh, though it’s a bummer suddenly to be fallible again. Ouch. Back to what I was saying, I suggest de-emphasizing the guilt factor every time one of your followers satisfies a bodily urge. Because, honestly, as much as I love a great orgasm, I still know there’s more to life than what happens between my legs. I suggest you try to move beyond it, too.